Me as a cartoon

Ryan David

Comedy Writer and photoshop menace. Bylines in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, and Weekly Humorist. Staff writer for End of the Bench Sports.

Updates

Mar 10

New piece in End of the Bench!

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Dec 25 2024

Here are my favorite published pieces of the year!

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An older gentleman with an anxiously approving countenance gives the thumbs up. Behind him is a Nascar driver hanging out of the driver's side window of his car and giving the same gesture with both hands. Behind them, the background, is a repeating series of a single road sign in a grid, one permitting right turns. The text overlaid reads: New Nascar Rule Allows Drivers to Turn Right.

New piece in End of the Bench! Again!

This image says "My favorites" and it indicates that the articles below it are my favorites from different publications. The next two images are placeholders

Chuck E Cheese, notable evil rat, looks in the distance, his eyes unfocused. Behind him the bowels of hell surge. The article title is "Why the Chuck E Cheese rat is the sole architect of my depression"

An astutely dressed man showing clear signs of sadness sits with his face pressed into his palms. The article text reads, "I have googled 'foot pain' and regret to inform you that I am dying"

A silica gel packet is held close to the camera. It has eyes like that a person. On the packet reads warning information about not consuming the packet. The text over the image, article's title, reads: "I'm the slilca gel packet in your beef jerky bag and actually, please eat me."

A makeshift plane plummets off of a float near a dock. People on the float, dressed in matching onesies, cheer as the plane appears to descend. The overlaid text reads, "Boeing's Quality Control Team Meets to Discuss Safety and Bird Attacks."

This image says "Slackjaw" and it indicates that the articles below it are from that publications. The next two images are placeholders

A cartoon stick figure holds their hands to their head as if to convey a headache. Behind them is an explosion. The article title is, "Why choosing indeed for your employment needs is marginally better than starving to death in a bleak world."

A robotic and irradiant Mark Zuckerberg looks very dorky and vacant. He is in front of a circuit-like background. The title of the article is, "Eight totally reasonable tips to pass the coding exam."

This image says "The Haven and Robot Butt" and it indicates that the articles below it are from those publications. The next two images are placeholders

The moon and earth are shown in space. The moon has merged with some sort of apocalyptic, zodiac-like clock. The earth looks about the same but a mushroom cloud pokes out from its surface. The article title is "Horoscopes for the Apocalypse," and the subtitle is, "Astrological predictions for a world torn asunder."

ce8f8d31e636 The silhouette of a man from behind, presumed to be Donald Trump, stares through prison bars at the american flag. The article title reads, "He definitely can't run for office now, unless of course he does"

A wrestler jumps from the high rope of a wrestling ring; beneath, lies his competitor, helpless to the impact that is about to occur. The article title reads, "Vaguely sports-like activities snubbed by the Olympics."

Mark Wahlberg faces the camera with his arms spread and a welcoming smile. Directly behim him is a giant, floating license plate that says, "Welcome to Boston, Massachusetts." Beind that is a moving walkway in an airport. The article title reads, "We are trapped in this airport now, son; it is our home now.

This image says "End of the Bench" and it indicates that the articles below it are from that publication. The next two images are placeholders

Joe Biden runs on the outskirts of a baseball outfield with costumed US presidents. The article title reads: Joe Biden Selected for Nationals’ New Version of “Racing Presidents”

A Hello Kitty doll, her face contorted into an evil, blood-dripping gaze, is held up by a claw machine over a sea of green alien toys. The scene is taken from Toy Story, and originally featured Buzz Lightyear. Above, reads the name of the article: Boyfriend Predicts Victory Against Arcade Claw Machine

Drake holds up his index finger to the camera, gesturing and gazing as if to say "hold up." Over the image is text stating the name of the article: "Drake Vows to Expose Kendrick Lamar's Nipple During Halftime Show"

John King from CNN stands in front of the "Magic Wall," which is an interactive screen with the US states and election data.

A cartoon referee points their fingers in the shape of a gun to the right. Below is the article title, "NFL Introuduces New Injury Designation for Players Who Get Shot"

An image of actor Nic Cage appears five times. Nic has the contenenance of a depraved man, a mix of anger and elation combined into a wide-eyed, gaping mouth stare. There are instances of this images in a gid overlaid atop the the fifth, which spans the full length of the image. This produces a disorienting and chaotic effect that amplifies Cage's intensity. The article title reads, "Nicholas Cage insists On John Madden Biopic Ending With Beloved Announcer Set Ablaze"

A chalk outline of a person but with a massive baseball for a head is shown on concrete. The title of the article reads, "Eaten by wolves: Mr. Met, Dead at 60"

A child looks listlessly forward wearing baseball attire. The article's is overlain atop and says "Little League Star Suspended for Orange Juicing"

Raptors and players storm the court of a basketball arena. The article title reads, "Toronto Raptors reveal they've created a fully operational Jurassic Park with live Raptors." The subtitle says, "We really fucked up."

A jovial old man looks out at the camera with a thumbs up. Behind him burns the Olympic flame and above is the article's title, "Local dad excited to joke 'pardon my french' during paris olympics.'"

Static TV has the article title over the screen. It reads, "Report: MLB.TV Blackouts Will not Affect In-Person Games

A Japanese man on the far-right side gawks in disbelief. He stands in front of a wall advertising the publication the article is on, "End of the Bench." Overlaid is the article title, "Shohei Ohtani's Interpreter Signs With DraftKings"

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